Due to overwhelming popular demand (mostly my beautiful wife) it’s the return of Not-So-Fasto. Now, this isn’t like “Return to Oz” kind of return, a movie that terrified children everywhere. Small children expecting to see singing munchkins and dancing scarecrows received Dorothy locked up in a mental institution, Wheelers, which are dark creatures with wheels for hands and feet, and a headless queen with a display case hallway full of screaming, detachable heads. Did I mention this is a kid’s movie? So, no, it won’t be like a terrifyingly dark kid’s movie from the 80’s (or more commonly known as, kid’s movies from the 80’s). My hope is to bring my light-hearted, fun-loving, psychotic mind ramblings to my adoring fans (mostly my beautiful wife), as I journal about trying to get healthy.
Nor will this return be a return like Batman Returns. Movie-goers expecting a continuation of the entertaining-yet-realistic Batman movie they fell in love with a few years prior, got a creepily-deformed, fish-eating, carnie version of Penguin, more monster than master mind, and a origin of Cat-Woman in which she falls from a skyscraper and has dirty, inbred alley cats run all over her as she comes back to life with cat powers. If you fall like 30 or more stories you die; even in a comic book, unless they take your brain and put in in a robot, or you fall in a vat of toxic fluid, but if you hit the ground, let me tell you, milk-drinking flea bags won’t save you. "Hey Tim Burton, creepy circus people and screwy origins does not a Batman movie make (by the way stop ruining the beloved children’s classic 'Alice in Wonderland' too…just sayin')". Why on earth am I mentioning this? Because my return, although filtered through my strange comparisons and rabbit trails, will still be grounded in reality. Although I like to entertain, I’m taking my health very seriously and I will do my best to achieve my goals and live a healthier lifestyle, while expressing it in a fun, entertaining way.
So I guess my return is more like Return of the King or Return of the Jedi, but more like a pudgy, hobbit version of Aragorn, or Luke from the Force Awakens. But I don’t have a Sauron or a Darth Vader to defeat because my Sauron, my Vader, is my weight, my high blood pressure, and my unhealthy habits and mindsets. Sometimes I will feel like l’ll want to jump in the Sarlacc pit, and I’ll chronicle it, and other times the food I eat might taste like the slop Eowynn gave to Aragorn on the road to Helm's Deep, the stuff that's only good quality was that it was hot, and you’ll hear about it. With this blog I will reforge the sword of Elendil; it will be my lightsaber, and you will be my fellowship (mostly my beautiful wife) helping me along the way. Are you ready to follow my adventure? Because here I go. “FOR FRODO” (but mostly for my beautiful wife).
